"Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner."
~Oscar Wilde

January 20, 2008

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January 20, 2008

Spike's Scientology Questionnaire (posted to my Grave_Tidings Live Journal.)

So there's a sampling online of the questions Scientologists ask potential members, and it seemed perfect to envision Spike as a potential member, sooo....

• Have you ever enslaved a population?

Yeah, and it was sweet. Most recently, the vampire population of Sunnydale, regardless what revisionist tales that wanker Watcher of Buffy's is telling.

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

Why bother? It's too much fun stealing it and spending it. Not that I steal any more. That was just an example.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

No, but I've let a few live.

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

More fun to suck on 'em, pet.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?

Only of Buffy's underwear. When she was wearin' it.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?

The First's, yeah. Tried wiping out my own, but that ponce Angel just keeps coming back.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?


• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

As often as possible. Whatever you've got in mind, I'll bite. As hard and as often as you'd like.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

Dru would have said so, first time I bleached my hair.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?

Yeah. Sometimes even my own.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?

Hello? Vampire.

• Have you ever been a pimp?

That's a hell no. I do not share.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?

Many's the time: warm, alive and wriggling.

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

Buffy would say so.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?

Tried. Mostly demons. But there's always more, isn't there?

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?

Strictly amateur, but I've tried.

• Have you given robots a bad name?

The Buffybot was a mistake, okay? I know that. Why the bleeding hell you people won't let a bloke forget his mistakes... If I'd made her look like Dawn, I'd understand your attitude, but come on. Anyway. I know this other bloke. From Modesto. He did something with robots too. Why don't you go interview him?

• Have you ever set a booby trap?

I'll trap your boobies any time you'd like, pet. Tonight at dusk all right with you?

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

Yes. It involved a hell god, a tower, and... and.. I don't want to talk about it.

• Have you driven anyone insane?

And it was good, too.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

You asked this before. You payin' attention, or are my charismatic personality and handsome visage confusing you?

• Is anybody looking for you?


• Have you ever set a poor example?

I've tried my best, but this soul thing keeps getting in the way these days.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?


• Are you in hiding?

That's another hell no. I prefer a square fight, thanks. No honor in hiding, is there?

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?

Left that to Dru.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

Lessee. ::counts on fingers:: The Scoobies, the Slayer, the entire population of Prague, Angel, my own species. I guess that's a yes.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

::laughs uncontrollably::

• Have you ever gone crazy?

Three words: out of Africa. Don't recommend it. The movie's boring and so are school basements in Sunnydale.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

Don't think anyone needed persuading.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

Only known one great leader. Never deserted her, never betrayed her. Though I doubt she'd see it that way. Hope she's doing okay.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?

Wouldn't have worked on the one Dru turned, and the only other baby I've met was supposed to be food for demons. Fought 'em one handed and saved that baby. Right proud of that, I am. A sight prouder than I'd be if I'd smothered one. Ate a couple of kittens in my time; that gruesome you out?

• Do you deserve to have any friends?

Not really, no.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?

You been talking to Angel? What did he say?

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?

I certainly hope so. I'll bring the chains if you bring the whip.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

If I've ever killed the wrong person would be high on the list. You don't want to bore me, pet. Trust me on that one.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

Buffy's an expert at that, don't know how she did it. Her skin, her smell, the way she'd move over me, took me to another world. Miss that, I do.

• Have you ever zapped anyone?

Have I what? What the bloody hell are they teaching you in schools these days. Have I 'zapped' anyone? Use the Queen's English, and you might have a chance of being understood. Wanker.

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?

I'm sure I ate someone, somewhere along the line--probably multiple someones--with syphillis and the like. Why the bloody hell would I want to spread their body? Oh. Wait. You mean did I pass along their malady? Vampire here. Most sterile being in the universe, regardless I'm dead. Can't spread a disease. Can't catch one either. Can turn you, and make your soul wish it were dead.

I don't want to answer any more questions right now. So sod off.


What do you think is the greatest musical instrument ever invented and why?

The female voice. Various ones have brought me to tears - hell, brought me to my knees and worse - many a time.

What was the last play you saw?

Little thing called "Teechers." Had to sneak onto a boat to see it. Backroom performance, but bloody fine.

There have been a great many fictional vampires throughout history. Which one annoys you the most, aside from Dracula?

Ever read "The Palace" by that Yarbro bint? No vampire's as civilized as her St. Germain. Took him half the book to get on with some violence. Even longer to drink some blood. Not to mention even longer before the V word was mentioned. Bloody perfect creature of the night. Bloody boring if you ask me. Which you did.

If your demon could say one thing to your soul, give it a piece of advice, and/or converse with him about anything... what would you choose and why?

Get over Buffy, hunt down Dawn. I'll leave the why to your imagination.

How do you react to criticism, professionally and personally?

Depends on the decade you're asking about, pet. Seen me react, haven't you? Get all snivelly and tear up my bloody awful poetry one week. Next week I'm beating the shite out of Peaches. Next week I'm laughing at the Slayer and shoving her through walls. Next week I'm getting a bloody soul. Bit schizoprenic, but you never heard it from me, yeah?

Bacon or Sausage?

I despise pig. Sure it won't be hard to suss out why.

Christmas lights - all white, or multicolored - blinking or not blinking?

Any tree the Slayer puts up is fine with me. If you knew her, it'd be fine with you too.

Bored now. Next month get me some better questions or bring a fresh bottle with you, yeah?


What book do you have on your bedside table at the moment?

Bloody hell, knocked over the lot of them trying to answer your question. You want to know, come over and look for yourself.

Derek Jacobi has said that "To be or not to be..." is not a soliloquy but Hamlet speaking to Ophelia, partly because what he describes happens to her. What are your thoughts on this interesting view?

Haven't read 'Hamlet' in over a century, but yeah, I can envision that. She'd listen to him speak his heart, then twist the knife with her treachery so that he'd realise his total isolation that much faster. Not quite akin to telling a wench about the best night of your life, only to have her ask why it has to mean anything, is it, but you get my drift. Now, look. I'd rather talk Prospero or a bit of Mephistopheles. You up for that?

Do you have to hunt for your keys every day or are you one of those people who always put them in the same place when you come in?

When Buffy hides them, I hunt them down. Bit of fun, that.

What's better: old friends, or new friends, and why?

To a fellow like me it's nice to have friends, old or new, who wouldn't rather spend time with a railroad spike. Nice to not be alone.

How did you come by your signature black-wear?

Hides the blood, doesn't it? You wanna stop asking about the obvious?

What's the first thing you think about when you get up.

Buffy. Or do you mean when I *wake* up? Make yourself clear if you can, pet.

Of all the people you have known, who are the three most interesting or inspiring people?

Buffy's mum - she listened without judging me most of the time. When she did judge, she made sense. Gave me hope.

Angel - 'cause it's an uphill climb for him every day out of the blood and the despair, but he's tryin'. Always tryin'. He'll tell you that, you ask him.

The third know who she is. You gonna make me say it? Already did, in that abandoned house back in Sunny-D. Still feel that way, always will. Yeah.


As a humanist, what is your opinion on the age-old question of whether a male and female can truly be friends? If not, why not?

Who says I'm a humanist?

Didn't you save the world twice?

Three times.

So doesn't that mean you're concerned with the interest and welfare of humans?

For all you know, I was making sure the food supply for the next millennium or so. Don't much fancy eating demons.

There's also a theory circulating that you were a classical scholar before you were turned. We know you wrote poetry dedicated to love and beauty, and you loved a mortal Slayer and took care of her sister, and--

Belt up. Fine, I'm a humanist. What's the question?

As a humanist, what is your opinion on the age-old question of whether a male and female can truly be friends? If not, why not?

No sex, lust or passion? No secret dreams or desires? On either side? ::snort:: Suppose it's possible. Far as I'm concerned, I've learned friends don't - and shouldn't - complicate things with sex. Learned friendship comes from shared experiences, trust and loyalty that's proven over time. Know it's a lot harder for me to get there if we become lovers.

How do you deal with discouragement and disappointment?

Used to drink and break things. Since getting back my soul, it's sulking, brooding and writing.... um... I write it all out.

Could you explain what the "punk" philosophy is?

You like goth, indie, grunge or Britpop? Then punk's your roots and in your blood whether you like it or not. I'm not a bloody encyclopedia, children. Do your own homework.

What is your musical guilty pleasure?

The Moulin Rouge. Tasty in its time.

Do you have any interest in, or have you ever thought about, writing a play?

Did that once, in blank verse. Everybody died. In the play, not 'cause I off'd them. Was so bad, got dunked in a college fountain for it.

How was your first kiss?

Killing. Dark alley, Dru. You know.

Favorite item of clothing.

Buffy's.... Oh. You mean my own? ::looks at you::

Favorite food.

You volunteering? Didn't think so.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time and how do you get there?

Like to be invited to a Summers' Christmas. See Dawn sitting pretty with a bloke who loves her and a couple of kiddies playing at her feet. See Buffy smiling and happy, living the life she deserves. Like to get there with my soul and my sanity intact, ta.

What advice do you have for a fledgling vampire?

Don't suck.


Do you have a Valentine's Day message for us?

See me any night if you'd like me to be your valentine. If you'd rather give yourself some loving instead, consider coming over anyway and letting me watch.

I know you quit smoking now, but when did you first start and why?

What makes you think I've quit? Loaned my lighter to Red, didn't I, so she could light her candles in that last ritual in the hellmouth. Bint's never given it back, regardless I've asked. Started smoking in 1881 after eating a male prostitute near The Embankment. Bugger left behind a cigarette case filled with gold-tipped cigarettes. Waste not, want not my mum always said.

Do you play any musical instruments?

Slayer always screamed for me when she came. Music to my ears.

Who is the best actor you've ever seen?

Henry Irving. Ellen Terry. Sarah Bernhardt. Sarah slept in a coffin, you know that? You don't know any of them? Not my problem.

If you had to live without one of your five senses, which one would you be able to "give up"?

Vampire, remember? Still have them all after being turned, and they're upgraded at that. But that's not the game, is it? So let me think a minute. Right. Would give up my sense of security in an instant. Miss living on the edge, know what I mean?

And which one would be totally indispensable?

Touch. It's not just a sense, it's an entire world.

Is there any mystery or question that you have wanted to have explained or answered?

Why didn't Buffy love me?

If you could record a song with any artist/band who would it be and why?

Who was it recorded, "Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow-Wow?" Seriously, there's a little German musical you've probably never heard of called 'Tanz der Vampire.' Translates to 'Dance of the Vampire.' I'd do that.

What annoys you most about other drivers?

That my shiny new soul-conscience won't let me eat them after they've pissed the fucking hell out of me.

What do you mean those are all the questions I get?


Who makes you nervous?

Anyone who stores pointy wooden objects in bed. Anyone stupid enough to think he can dance with the devil and not end up... well...dancing with the devil. There's always consequences, know what I mean?

What makes you nervous?

Gaudy jewelry. Especially twinkly little amulets.

The American Express quiz

I like the guys from "What's in your wallet?" better.

Childhood ambition: To avoid wearing the Little Lord Fauntleroy suit my mum had made for me. Lookin' like bloody Blue Boy was never high on my list.

Fondest memory: Sunlight on my face.

Soundtrack: The Little Prince.

Retreat: Fuck retreating.

Wildest dream: Thinking Buffy might love me.

Proudest moment: Getting it right down in the Hellmouth.

Biggest challenge: Keeping my shiny soul untarnished.

Alarm clock: Don't have one.

First job: Surviving Winchester. That'd be grade school for the rest of you.

Indulgence: Sex

Last purchase: Purchase? Last thing I nicked, a stamp to send a postcard to Rome to let Buffy know her one true love had survived the L.A. apocalypse. I'll leave it up to you who that is.

Favorite movie: It sure isn't Dracula.

Inspiration: Buffy.

My life: is over. Undead, remember?


There are times when your arms look amazing, specifically your triceps. What exercises do you do to work this part of your arms and do you workout at home or in a gym with a trainer?

I ate a trainer once, maybe the routines stuck. Whenever I feel like killing someone, I go 10 rounds with a Slayer instead. Push-ups in bed are also useful. Thanks for the compliment, love. Let me know if you'd like to help with the push-ups sometime.

Which musical instrument would you like to learn how to play?

A soprano.

Is it easy for you to forgive and forget?

It's easy to forgive and forget when you can rip people's heads off. Far harder after you get a sodding soul. What can I say? I'm trying.

You are always asked what you and that actor guy who's always hanging around had in common. Besides being funny when you're angry, can you elaborate on what you and that actor guy do not have in common?

He doesn't drink blood. His lyrics are great while my poetry is bloody awful. He is successful in his life while, after all is said and done, I'm still fists and fangs and little else.

Who is your favorite female blues singer?

Sorry, not into the blues. You'd be better off asking the brooding poofter this question. Let me know when you want to talk punk.

Word or phrase that you overuse?

Bloody hell.

Either/Or: waffles or pancakes?

Either. With blood syrup.

Hot or cold weather?

Vampire, remember? The temperature doesn't much matter to me. But I'll keep you warm or cool you down however you'd like.

Eyes that shoot laser beams or x-ray vision?

X-ray vision, and you know what I'd be looking at, right?

Coke or Pepsi?

Blood, thanks.

A small part in a big budget movie that is going to be seen worldwide or the lead in an independent movie?

A part in Buffy's life would have been nice.



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